


But we cannot

by serpxnsortia



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Drama, Drama & Romance, First Love, High School, M/M, No Spoilers, POV First Person, Post-Canon, Secret Admirer, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 14:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12683355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serpxnsortia/pseuds/serpxnsortia
Summary: It hurts.My heart hurts so much right now.And all I want is to cry.





	But we cannot

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry! English is not my first language but I tried to write it well!! I hope you like it.

I do not remember when all this started, or maybe I do not want to remember it. But I only know one thing at the moment: I love him with all my heart. I love the way he looks at me, the way he laughs, the way he acts, the way… the way he is. I try to act normal in front of him, with my coldness… Well, maybe that is not ‘act normal’ for almost everyone, but for me it is…

_But I cannot._

I cannot act normal, because when I see him my heart beats so fast, I think he can hear it if he comes near me, and my mind only can focus on kiss him, on touch those beautiful lips forever…

_But I cannot._

I cannot kiss him because I am only his teammate, his classmate, his friend, the boy who makes him carry him everywhere, the weird boy who bring strange things every day... I have nothing to make him like me the way I like him…

Well…

The way I _love_ him more than I love myself.

He makes me acknowledge him so much to the point of not hating anything of him anymore…

_But I cannot._

I cannot stay with him, kissing him so deeply that I cannot breath properly, hug him as if the world were over if we parted. Make me his until the world ends…

And all of this is in my mind because I am too afraid of telling him about my feelings, about the way he makes me feel… I prefer to be his friend and stay with him forever instead of telling him about this and make him hate me for the rest of my life. I am a coward, but it is new for me. I… I did not love anyone before, I do not know how to act, how to say, how to declare my love… And maybe I will not learn that kind of things never, right?

“Shin-Chan? Did Oha Asa say your lucky item for today is stay quiet?” He laughs while he is looking at me. It is contagious… And _beautiful._

“Baka! Shut up.” I put better my glasses and sigh. I should… No, I have to act normal in front of him. “I was thinking about important things…” No, I was thinking of you. “And thanks to you I stopped...”

“Oi, you can think about that important stuff again. I will shut up.” I know you can not shut up and I am glad, I do not want to stop hearing your voice. If you stop one day, I am going to be the saddest person of the universe. I need you as humans need oxygen.

“As if you can do that, baka…” I cannot look at him now, so I try to look to my lucky item. It is a silver pendant with a small key.

“I CAN DO IT, SHIN-CHAN!” No, you cannot do it. You know that, I know that. “…It is kinda cute. I-I-I mean, the pendant.” Why was he so nervous telling me that? Of course it was the necklace. I am not cute in any way.

“It was my grandmother’s pendant. Maybe it is fifty years old… I am not sure at all, maybe it is older than I thought. My grandfather gave her it the first time they met. As he said, it is the key of Midorima’s heart…”

“Uh? So… One day you will give it to your lover, right? It would be a lucky person, Shin-Chan has a heart as cold as ice and that person will put fire in his heart…” No, I do not have a heart as cold as ice because YOU put fire in it… But I cannot give it to you… We are only friends…

“It is not simple, Takao. That person has to love me too. What if I give it and that person does not love me back?” Our heart is as fragile as glass in the end…

“That is true…” He stays quite for a few seconds and I am afraid if I was very rough this time. But I said the truth… I just want to give it to someone who loves me the same way I love them. “Maybe… One day you will find someone who will love you the way you deserve, Shin-Chan…” Why is he so sad telling me all this? What is wrong, Takao?

“You too, Takao…” But I want to love you the way you deserve, but I cannot…

I cannot and I hate myself for being a male instead of a woman. I hate myself so much that I want to cry until I have no more water inside of me.

I hate myself.

And I cannot love you.

_And I hate myself even more because I cannot love you…_

 

* * *

 

The rest of the long day he was quiet, even Takao was avoiding me and I do not know why because he is not the last today in Oha Asa. Well, I should find him and ask him why he is acting like that since our conversation, right? Perhaps I said something weird that he dislikes and I even did not know it.

I walked through the corridors, looking for him, but I could not find him anywhere. Had he already gone home and told me nothing? Had he left without me? That's not something that would make the Takao I know...

But maybe I do not know him very well… Because he was kissing a girl in the middle of an empty class.

It hurts.

My heart hurts so much right now.

And all I want is to cry.

I took a step back, horrified by that scene that caused me so much pain to my heart... Although the worst of all is that I could not look away from that, as if wanting to truly verify that it was him and not a student who it could look like him...

But it is not anything like that. That boy is Takao, the boy to whom I would give him the key to my heart…

I do not know at what point I started running, I do not know how I went to the basketball court or when I started to cry, like if I was a little boy who had just broken his favourite toy… I just know one thing:

_There is so much pain…_

I dry the tears that fall down my cheeks, as if that is going to stop those that were about to fall on my face. Why does it hurt so much? It is as if my world ceased to have any existence…

“Shin-Chan!” I froze when I heard his voice behind me, I did not expect him to follow me or even to notice my presence in that place. “I am sorry, Shin-Chan…”

“You do not have to say sorry, Takao. You did nothing wrong. I am sorry for bothering you and break the atmosphere between you two... It was not my intention to do it.” I say as cold as I can right now, trying not to make my words as broken as my heart… “I am not going to say anything to the rest of the high school. It is going to be a secret…” I close my eyes and then I dry the rest of the tears that I have over my face.

“Shin-Chan… It is not what you are thinking…” He starts to say, but I do not believe him. I saw him kissing the girl. Has that another meaning?

“Takao, stop. You do not have to say anything to me. It is your life, you can do whatever you want and you do not have to explain to anyone. Do you want to kiss her? It is okay. But do not explain it to someone, even less to a simple classmate and teammate.”

“Shintarō Midorima! SHUT UP!” I stop talking at the moment he shouts at me, because it is something that has never happened and it catches me by surprise. “Just… Shut up and let me say something to you… But please… Look at me, it is important…”

I do what he wants. I look at him, trying to have cold eyes as always. Trying, but it is very difficult after seeing the kiss scene with a person who is not me. It hurts, it hurts so much.

“I… You know what I thought about you when we first met… I hated you with all my heart but fate brought us together and… And I… I started to know you. I started to understand you even better than I understand myself… Or at least that was what I though because there is _someone_ who knows you better than me…”

What was he saying? Why was he saying all this now? Was he…? It is impossible, he was with someone… Right?

“Akashi knows you better than me, right? He knows you from the beginning of your career as basketball player… And he… he _deserves_ you more than me.”

“Stop.” I start to say that when I heard his final words. “Stop right now, Takao.”

“No… I will not stop…” He looks at the ground, avoiding my eyes. I am confused, I am not understanding him right now. Why is he saying all this? Why? “I… I do not deserve you… So that is why I tried t-to…” I see his body tremble, as if he were about to cry. “So I tried to find someone with whom to start again...” Am I seeing tears falling on the ground?

“Takao… Please, stop right now. I think this is not going well for you... You should not feel that way about a foolishness like this...”

“It is not a nonsense!” He shouts again, looking at me with tears all over his face. “I did not want to love you the way I do!” When he says that, my eyes widened at the surprise of his words. “Shin-Chan… I _love_ you… But not like a friend, a classmate or a teammate… I love you the same way in the same way Romeo loved Juliet, in the same way the troubadours loved their ladies...” He pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath. “You return to my dreams every night... Dreams in which we are happy together no matter what the rest of the world thinks...”

“Takao…” I do not know what to say, I do not know how I should react. Yes, I know I have wanted all this for so long, but… _We cannot_.

We should not.

I close my eyes and take a breath slowly. I will do something that I do not know if I should, because it is very risky and... I open my eyes and approach him, then take him by the chin to make him look at me.

“We cannot, Takao… We cannot be together in this world…” I took my grandmother's pendant, the key that symbolizes the heart of my family… the key of my heart. “But…” I put it around his neck. “We cannot, but… If you let me, I will be with you for the rest of my life… There are no rules to love, there is no way to get it right. I just pretend to be your best truth, your best love, your best everything…” I do not know if I have explained myself well, talking about these things has never been good for me... “Kazunari… I love you. I love you with all my heart and the world around me told me I should not, they told me that I cannot love a boy… But I cannot stop loving you… Like that song, I cannot help falling in love with you…”

“Shin-Chan… I thought you… I thought you loved him…”

“No… I cannot love him because I have you… I have you and I do not want another person with me…” I smile softly and I dry his tears, because they break my heart to see them go through his beautiful face. “So… Will you let me be with you, Takao Kazunari?” I can feel my heart beating so fast and I think that at any moment it is going to go off... But I do not care, because he is the cause of this feeling.

“Yes… Yes! Shin-Chan, yes!” He say with a big smile on his face, that beautiful and wonderful smile which is always on my dreams.

I approach him more, breaking the barrier that I imposed on him. I do not know how many times I have dreamed of this, I have lost count, but I only know that I cannot take it anymore... I bring my face close to his, closing my eyes, and I kiss his lips gently, enjoying every inch.

_We cannot._

But _we will._


End file.
